Tom TollModerator & Life Member  Senior Member Posts:1865  
| 07/31/2008 10:44 AM |
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Research has lead to the discovery of the heaviest element
yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv),
has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has
no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected
because it impedes every action with which it comes into
contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second to take from four
days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal
half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons
to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium, an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but
twice as many morons. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 08/16/2008 12:29 PM |
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice. We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'
'Bring them along' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 08/17/2008 11:54 AM |
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly o bserving. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 09/13/2008 5:00 PM |
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April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I''m gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I''ll miss you."
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she''s wrong.
Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where''s the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn''t notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven''t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don''t like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don''t know son, I''m still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn''t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, then it was too late.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I''ve found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I married Miss Right. I just didn''t know her first name was Always.
It''s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
Just think, if it weren''t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I''m half dead."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They''ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
First guy (proudly): "My wife''s an angel!"
Second guy: "You''re lucky, mine''s still alive.
The most effective way to remember your wife''s birthday is to forget it once.Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 09/16/2008 10:37 AM |
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The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the Cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What The hell happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear Bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 09/21/2008 11:52 AM |
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An e-mail I just received... Roll Eyes
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules' From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Get Sympathy from your girlfriends.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inamissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us!
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, Boobs, or Poker.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 09/30/2008 11:33 AM |
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ROE vs. WADE
Sarah Palin, the Republican VP candidate, was asked for her opinion about Roe vs. Wade.
She said that she didn't care how the people of New Orleans got back to their houses.
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Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 10/15/2008 10:13 AM |
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 10/23/2008 12:03 PM |
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 11/03/2008 6:49 PM |
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"A Glossary Of Medical Terms,
And Alternate Meanings"
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients
die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 11/20/2008 11:51 AM |
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WORDS WE CAN'T TAKE BACK
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached! by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store t hat sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she! looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on hi m constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,! I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse . Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 11/20/2008 12:14 PM |
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A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the
bird and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 11/23/2008 1:41 PM |
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FACTS TO PONDER:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians
per year are
120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician
is
0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is
80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million.)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups,
is
1,500.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner
is
.000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends
to this
alarming threat.
We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at large,
I have withheld the statistics on
lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 12/01/2008 12:27 PM |
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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffein e Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Ye lling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 12/03/2008 1:30 PM |
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The International Council of Man Laws, Inc.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry, but ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss''s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you''ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy''s fridge is forbidden. However, feel free to complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy''s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy''s choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who''s playing.
10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of ''flatulent entertainment'' (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she''s officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you''re sunning on a tropical beach ... delivered by a topless model, ... and only when it''s free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/*or* physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you''re in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don''t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man''s fly is down, that''s his problem, you didn''t see anything.
16: Women who claim they ''love to watch sports'' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that''s just plain greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you''d better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she''s withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C''mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stop-watch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ''just a friend'' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you''re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question ''What do you want for Christmas?'', with: ''If you loved me, you''d know what I want!'' - gets a Playstation 3!! End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men''s Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We''ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* ''GUTS'' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ''are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?''
* ''BALLS'' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, ''You''re next fatty!''
I hope this clears up any confusionSuccess is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 12/11/2008 10:31 AM |
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The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely
with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and
look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made
the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 12/18/2008 3:48 PM |
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White trash Christmas. Sorry, don''t know how to convert this to a link., Oops, I figured it out.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 12/21/2008 9:23 AM |
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A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 12/27/2008 9:16 AM |
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Why Men should not write Advice Columns
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set
off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down
the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was
in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32,
my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
***********************************************8
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing
low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have
your air filters cleaned or replaced.
I hope this helps with your problem.
Walter
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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Tom TollModerator & Life Member Senior Member Posts:1865
| 01/14/2009 10:07 AM |
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands could be
beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for
evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the
exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that
he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the
grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the
engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which
I've never seen done in my entire career.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
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