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Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it
inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop yer firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

Scottish Golfer
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.'In fact

he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'  His 18 year old girlfriend forgot to take a pill!

Comments made in the year 1955!  That was 2 years prior to graduating High School. Where does time go.
That's only 54 years ago!

I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1,000.00 will only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter!?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.

If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local WalMart.



Dear Mrs. Toll,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Tom, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.


1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7th: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4th: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. August 14th: Moved a ‘CAUTION –WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 23rd: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can’t you people just leave me alone?" EMT’s were called.

8. September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. September 10th: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. October 3rd: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible’ theme.

11.October 6th: In the Auto Department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

12.October 18th: Hid in the clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13.October 21st: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

14.He took one of our ladders, climbed up the the video bubble and hollered, hello, anybody in there.


And last, but not least :


15.October 23rd: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.


Sincerely,

Manager of your local WalMart store

Darwin says, "This story is an Urban Legend according to Snopes.com. Since it's a phenomenal story of nearly-fatal poor judgment, it merits being included among the Darwinian Urban Legends."

Dear Carl,

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

Awesome!!!

I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave. There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Jacob

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing
the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she
extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will
never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting
my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'

 

Sent to me by M Fontenot:

CAJUN ANGELS   
 
   Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you.. I have some Cajuns up
 
  here in Heaven who are causing some problems.   They are swinging on The pearly gates, sliding down stairway to Heaven, and my  horn is missing!  They play their accordions and dance all night!  Crawfish shells and beer cans are all over the streets of gold and they're making  sausage, boudin, and cracklins on every corner.   There is rice all over the clouds! They have eaten almost every animal up here!  Some folks are walking around with one wing missing.  There is barbecue sauce all over their robes and some of them aren't even wearing  their halos, saying they won't wear it because it doesn't have an LSU logo on it.  The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to  all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and  see how he is dealing with his Cajuns."  The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang it, hold on!"  The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello God, what can I do for you?"  God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the  Cajuns you have there."  The Devil said, "Wait a minute," and puts the Lord on hold...  After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said, "Okay, I'm back.  What's the question?"      God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having with the Cajuns down there?"  The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this... Hold on, God..."  This time, the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.   The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now.  These coonasses have done put out the fire, and are holding a benefit jambalaya  dinner to install air conditioning!!"        

Down south, Doug called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Doug, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Doug."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . . ..

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I'd been hanging out with?"

This reminds me of Ray, Chuck, and myself.

www.youtube.com/watch_popup

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The

barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then

calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"



The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the

barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the

same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.



"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead

of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day

I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Makes me wish I were a cop.

Only in Texas .......

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'


The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.”


At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says,



'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

 

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



You Got Male!

During a recent password audit, it was found that Steve Ebner was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, he said he was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Idle thoughts of a wandering mind during 2009:

....I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
....I had amnesia once -- or twice.
....Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
....All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
....If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
....What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
....They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
....Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
....One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
....I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
....The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
....How can there be self-help "groups"?
....Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
....Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

....Hopefully I'll figure this out in 2010.

"Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks I"

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to
change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered rude to drive the U-Haul to
the funeral home.


DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure
that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as
not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it
with your hands.


"Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks II"

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no
matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this
is a job that should be done in private, using
one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste
of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for
a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


"Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks III"

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I read that
stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility
to get her to school on time.


"Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks IV"

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 15 seconds may get
you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can
create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even
if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.