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Having a bad day????


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m. ,regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it hadsomething to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.mSunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled toinvestigate the cause of the incidents.The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after theExxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wildamid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What?!? STILL having a Bad Day???? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better????

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before
they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents
in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that
extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing
the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and
then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the
carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island
can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil
is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside
the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God The
Father was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will
judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went
out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?'

God The Father just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror and sighing.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day!!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie.......with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy...M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you dumb a**!'
The moral of this story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

I hope no one will be offended by this. I just thought it was funny as heck.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away.."
We can't drive."
Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Subject: Tax Rebate

As most of us know, we are expecting some money from a tax rebate in the
near future.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China, if
we spend it
on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all
the money will
go to India, or Pakistan for tech support and none will help the American
economy.

The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only
way I can see
to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on prostitution,
those are the
only businesses still in the U.S.

Oil changes, Men Vs. Women (I wonder if this applies to claim adjusting too)

Oil change instructions for women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end w rench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching
oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among
trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17)
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface. 1 Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor
spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between
knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 2
Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop bl ood flow
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
any missed steps. 35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
3 Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

IRS Audit


The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go
ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."


The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, an d never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could
come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated November 12th, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer, and NASA has paid $600 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.

Please apply the overpayment of $22 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,



A Loyal Taxpayer

This fits more into the category of etc. instead of humor, but nonetheless intriguing:

Odd & Interesting Coincidences

Abe Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846,

John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abe Lincoln was elected President in 1860,

John F Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights,

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday,

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy,

Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners,

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808,

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839,

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names,

Both assassins’ names are composed of 15 letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named “Ford”,

Kennedy was shot in a Lincoln, a car made by Ford.

Lincoln was shot in a theatre , and his killer ran and hid in a warehouse,

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse, and his killer ran and hid in a theatre.

Both Booth & Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And finally….

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

RELATIONSHIP ARITHMETIC

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually an infallible lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project"
said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times! ! !

Sorry,the photo didn't upload, so I deleted the post