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What not to say to a cop.

 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK inTexas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relativ ely good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk , are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

Mildred was so despondent over the death of her beloved Earl after 68 wonderful years of marriage that she decided to join him.
Her doctor said, "A woman's heart is just below her left breast."
That night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee!

This announcement followed Gordon''s decision to take advantage of the government''s program to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon''s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon''s management team as most races are won *or* lost in the pits.

A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most of the articles for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture of a rat. The man is enthralled by the rat and takes it up to the owner to buy it. "How much for the rat?" he asks the proprietor.

"Ten bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the story" says the owner.

"Keep the story, I'll just take the rat" says the guy, who then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat under his arm.

Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind the man and his purchase. The further the man walks, the more rats that congregate behind him. Eventually there are so many rats that the man becomes afraid and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.

At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing and milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far out into the river as he can. Without hesitation all the rats in town jump into the river to follow the bronze rat as it sinks to the bottom -- and all of the rats drown.

After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his way back to the antique store.

"Aha!" says the store owner. "You came back for the story about the rat."

"Nope," says the man. "I was just wondering if you had a bronze lawyer"

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After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

1."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

2. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

3. A plane was taking off from Kennedy International Airport in New York. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain announced over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Dear Ma and Pa,
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Your loving daughter,
Alice

Dear Friends:

 

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon, the veteran Pillsbury spokesman, the Pillsbury doughboy, died last week of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Little Debby, Wendy, Burger King, Ronald McDonald, Col. Sanders, Mr.Quaker, Captain Crunch And the mildly retarded Trix rabbit.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

A longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his life was later filled with turnovers. When he began hitting the baking soda a little too often, he fell quickly. He was not considered a very Smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. A doughnut once said to him, if I had all your dough, I sure wouldn't be hanging around this hole! Doughboy never reached much height. He was once told if he rubbed Crisco on his head every night for a month, it would make him taller, however, alas, he later found out it too was shortening. Doughboy tried to be a part of the elite Upper Crust, but was disappointed to find out they were just a few old crumbs held together by a little dough.

Doughboy is survived by his Father - Pop Tart, Wife- Jane Dough, Son -John Dough, Daughter- Jane Dough.The couple also had " one in the oven" .

A rolling pin was placed in his casket. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes. Friends left the service and many were heard saying, he was no Cup Cake.

He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, ''You need a piece of tail.''
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, ''Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.''

I'm over 55 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending some 18-year-old off to fight, they ought to send us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. My back hurts!, I'm hungry!,Where's the remote control?

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 55 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for pistols and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, Get down and give me...er...one.;

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

These are all great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. The last thing the enemy would want to see is a couple of million old farts with attitudes