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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.


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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. " She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.




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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


And finally:


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "Wow, you're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "I'm just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Received this from Linda Asberry. We should have been more careful when we were young!

The Old Pastor's
Last Request

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton got this letter from Wal-Mart...


Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior any further and may be forced to ban both of you from our stores if this behavior continues.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below. These incidents seem to have taken place while you were shopping in our Wal-Mart store:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies' restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if she can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna" look using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


In the future please try to control your husband so we can avoid any further communications like this. Thank you for your time.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash and iron it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for... say...a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

I don't drink, but found this funny.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

SUMMARY OF LAST YEAR'S COMPUTER EMAILS.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day!

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And,  for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking ! lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. 

http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/fakenews.asp

the other stories are just as funny and just as true.

THE AMISH AND THE ELEVATOR An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver
walls that could move apart and slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what
it is." While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a old lady in a
wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small chamber. The walls closed,
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light in reverse order.

Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The
father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son........"Go
get your mother."

 An 8 year old boy was riding his bicycle in Bryan , Texas , when he saw his friend  being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog's back.
 
 After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his young friend's body, he put the dog in a choke  hold and held on until the dog was dead. The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, "Son, that was one of the bravest
 things I have ever seen. You're going to make tomorrow's headlines."
 
 It will read: Texas A&M Fan is Hero; Risks His Life; Saves Young Friend From Vicious Pit      Bull  Attack.
 
 The youngster said, "That's nice, but I'm not a Texas A&M Fan"
 
 The editor said, "OK, then it will read: University of Texas Fan Saves Young Friend 's Life in Pit-Bull Attack".
 
 The young man said, "But I'm not a University of Texas fan"
 
 The editor said, "OK, then it will read: Rice Fan Saves Friend's Life.
 
 Once again the young man interrupted, saying, "I'm not a Rice fan, either."
 
 The editor, becoming somewhat irritated, asked, "Then, who is your favorite team?"
 
 The kid replied with a big smile, "Arkansas"
 
 The next morning, the local newspaper headlines read:
 
 
 BELOVED FAMILY PET MURDERED BY YOUNG HILLBILLY!!!!!!!!

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......How do non-natives ever
learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report?

We call UP our fri ends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.


And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be
pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is
used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so ....

Time to shut UP .....!

Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?

U P

I don't know why blondes take a hit on jokes, but they do. The natural blondes I know personally are smart. Here are the jokes anyway.

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
'2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel .

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven'
Button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and storme d back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
ch emistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the differe nt religions
that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my truck and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the truck.
I lay my truck keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:

The truck isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water
There is still only 1 check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
And I don't remember what I did with the truck keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Dear Abby:



My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot
the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like
me and hints that I may be a l*sbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless
_________________

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're A United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States .

Act like one.

My radar is better than your radar!

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of
the officers was using a hand held radar device to check
speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun
began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to
reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that
the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which
was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:
Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the
file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in
the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently
locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically
sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to
ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also
automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized
the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the
missile system alert status and was able to override the
automated defense system before the missile was launched and
your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.

All the best to you,