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Last Post 06/05/2007 7:11 AM by  Catsvstrained
General Humor
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Tom Toll
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Posts:1865


--
04/07/2007 12:02 PM

    Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

    The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

    The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

    The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

    The other three surgeons looked at each other indisbelief. One of them asked why.

    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because theyare heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
    Tom Toll
    Moderator & Life Member
    Senior Member
    Senior Member
    Posts:1865


    --
    04/08/2007 11:45 AM

    A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had
    not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the
    main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
    greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

    "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

    " Yes ," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, " No ."

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
    asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

    "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,
    " No ."

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
    message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
    home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the
    whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
    background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
    "What is that noise?"

    " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
    apprehensive.

    Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team
    just landed a helicopter ."

    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
    asked, "What are they searching for?"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
    giggle... " ME ."

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
    Tom Toll
    Moderator & Life Member
    Senior Member
    Senior Member
    Posts:1865


    --
    04/10/2007 9:16 AM

    Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused Bob, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Bob (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

    Bob, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

    Later that evening, Bob quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

    You gotta love Bob.

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
    Tom Toll
    Moderator & Life Member
    Senior Member
    Senior Member
    Posts:1865


    --
    04/10/2007 4:13 PM

    A Last Request!!!
     

       The old pastor lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
       faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned
       for his nurse to come near.
       "Yes, pastor?" said the nurse.
       "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before
       I die." whispered the priest.
       "I'll see what I can do, preacher" replied the nurse.
       The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
       Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to
       visit the preacher.
       As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy "I don't
       know why the old pastor wants to see us, but it will certainly help
       our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree and they had of course

         brought the news media with them.
       When they arrived at the pastor's room, the pastor took Kennedy's
       hand in his right hand and Clinton's hand in his left. There was
       silence and a look of serenity on the old preacher's face.
       Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Pastor, of all the people you could
       have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the
       end?"
       The old preacher slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my
       life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
       Amen" said Kennedy.
       "Amen" said Clinton.
       The old preacher continued..."He died between two lying thieves and  I
       would like to do the same."
     
    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
    Ray Hall
    Senior Member
    Senior Member
    Posts:2443


    --
    04/10/2007 6:52 PM

    A good Wal-Mart Greeter

    A very loud, unattractive, mean -acting women walked into Wal Mart with her two kids, yelling obsenities at them all the way throught the entrance.

    The Wal Mart greeter says, "good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.  Nice children you have there. Are they twins ?

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say.  "Hell no they ain't.  The oldest one is 9 and the other one"s 7. Why the hell would you think ther're twins?  Are you blind or just stupid ?

    I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter.

    "I just could't believe you got laid twice"

    Gale Hawkins
    PowerClaim.com
    Member
    Member
    Posts:386


    --
    04/13/2007 11:44 PM
     
    Mystery cat takes regular bus to the shops
    Last updated at 13:13pm on 12th April 2007

    Bus drivers have nicknamed a white cat Macavity after it has started using the No 331 several mornings a week.

    The feline, which has a purple collar, gets onto the busy Walsall to Wolverhampton bus at the same stop most mornings - he then jumps off at the next stop 400m down the road, near a fish and chip shop.
     
    HuskerCat
    Veteran Member
    Veteran Member
    Posts:762


    --
    04/13/2007 11:58 PM

    Is getting that article for free from the British internet better than paying $1.75 for the Enquirer?

    Gale Hawkins
    PowerClaim.com
    Member
    Member
    Posts:386


    --
    04/14/2007 12:03 AM

    No, but I do not have a scanner that will get the photo that sharp.  :)

    Tom Toll
    Moderator & Life Member
    Senior Member
    Senior Member
    Posts:1865


    --
    04/27/2007 10:02 AM
    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
    Tom Toll
    Moderator & Life Member
    Senior Member
    Senior Member
    Posts:1865


    --
    05/28/2007 3:00 PM

    A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
    The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
    three wishes.'
    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
    mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

    Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

    The woman said, 'That's okay.'

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your
    husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
    to'.

    The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman
    and he will have eyes only for me.'

    So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
    And he will be ten times richer than you.'

    The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
    mine.'

    So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a
    mild heart attack.'

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
    Gale Hawkins
    PowerClaim.com
    Member
    Member
    Posts:386


    --
    05/28/2007 4:41 PM
    Tom you are a wise man.
    Tom Toll
    Moderator & Life Member
    Senior Member
    Senior Member
    Posts:1865


    --
    05/30/2007 9:42 AM

    Larry the Cable Guy Wisdom

    1. A day without sunshine is like night.

    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
    spot.

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below
    average.

    6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
    mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
    people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
    memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
    machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
    payments.

    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
    my hand.

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the
    wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
    off now.

    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
    sponges?

    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
    jet engines

    19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
    twice?

    20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we
    would all fall off.

    21. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some
    people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    22. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more
    like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn
    your ass tomorrow.

    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
    Catsvstrained
    Member
    Member
    Posts:62


    --
    06/05/2007 7:11 AM
    COMPLICATING SETTLEMENT

    Working as a Flood Claims Adjuster I met an elderly couple who were somewhat hard of hearing. They had thrown away their flood contaminated refrigerator, assuring me the appliance was totally destroyed. I explained that their policy required all damaged items to be displayed before a settlement could be offered.

    “WHAT DID HE SAY” Exclaimed the wife.

    “WE SHOULDN’T HAVE THROWN OUR REFRIDGERATOR AWAY” Explained the husband.

    Attempting to be accommodating, I asked if they knew the make and model.

    “WHAT DID HE SAY” Exclaimed The wife for which her husband replied.

    “HE WANTS US TO MAKE HIM A MODEL”
    CatSvs Trained
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