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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had
not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the
main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,
" No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the
whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team
just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
giggle... " ME ."

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Bob, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Bob (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Bob, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Bob quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Bob.

A Last Request!!!
 
   The old pastor lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
   faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned
   for his nurse to come near.
   "Yes, pastor?" said the nurse.
   "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before
   I die." whispered the priest.
   "I'll see what I can do, preacher" replied the nurse.
   The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
   Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to
   visit the preacher.
   As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy "I don't
   know why the old pastor wants to see us, but it will certainly help
   our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree and they had of course

A good Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean -acting women walked into Wal Mart with her two kids, yelling obsenities at them all the way throught the entrance.

The Wal Mart greeter says, "good morning and welcome to Wal Mart.  Nice children you have there. Are they twins ?

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say.  "Hell no they ain't.  The oldest one is 9 and the other one"s 7. Why the hell would you think ther're twins?  Are you blind or just stupid ?

I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter.

"I just could't believe you got laid twice"

Is getting that article for free from the British internet better than paying $1.75 for the Enquirer?

No, but I do not have a scanner that will get the photo that sharp.  :)

Kiss my lips.

http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman
and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a
mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Larry the Cable Guy Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?

20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we
would all fall off.

21. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

22. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more
like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn
your ass tomorrow.