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1014 Posts

Posted - 03/29/2004 :  22:29:25  Show Profile
A guy had a BIG problem, his penis was 25 inches long and he wanted it reduced. The doctor said he could not operate. But the Magic Frog in the woods could solve the problem. You see, everytime a man asks the magic frog to marry him and the frog says 'no' the penis will shrink by 5 inches.

So, our 3 legged hero goes to the woods and finds the magic frog and says "Magic Frog, will you marry me?"

The Magic Frog said "No" and sure enough the man's penis shrank by 5 inches and was now only 20 inches long.

The man thought that this is great and decided at 20 inches his penis was still too big so he decided to try again.

"Magic Frog, will you marry me?" To which the frog promptly replied "No" and sure enough another 5 inches came off the man's penis and he was now 15 inches long.

Almost perfect now the man thought. One more time and I'll have a perfect ten inches. One more time he asks the frog "Magic Frog, will you marry me?" To which the now irriated frog responded "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"
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13 Posts

Posted - 03/30/2004 :  00:33:38  Show Profile
what do you call a lawyer up to his chin in concrete? Not enough concrete. ha ha ha
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7 Posts

Posted - 03/30/2004 :  21:41:19  Show Profile
An adjuster working in a rural mountain area was traveling a sparsly settled back road. He comes upon a run down general store with a gas pump outside and needing fuel he stops to fill up. The proprietor, an old timer, comes off the porch and obliges the adjuster filling his tank. The adjuster gives the old timer a 50 dollar bill and when he returns with the change he is carrying an earthen jug and an old hammer lock shotgun. He hands the adjuster his change, and thrusts the jug at his chest,and pulls back the hammers on the shotgun while ponitng it at his head,

"Take a good long swaller ther young feller." commanded the old timer.

Scared whitless the adjuster did as ordered and proceeded to experience the worst burning, fowl concoction of liquor he had ever tasted in his life. Gasping and coughing he handed the jug back to the old timer.

The old timer took the jug and handed the shotgun over to the adjuster ordering him:

"Here! Now you hold the gun to my head soen I can have drink!"
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103 Posts

Posted - 03/31/2004 :  10:06:57  Show Profile
Saw the world's best T-shirt at Beau Rivage in Biloxi over the week-end:

(Unfortunately it's Buddha)

Kevin Hromas
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315 Posts

Posted - 04/02/2004 :  11:06:27  Show Profile
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
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54 Posts

Posted - 04/02/2004 :  16:15:48  Show Profile
A man goes to the dentist with a large amount of very painful dental work to be done. The dentist comes in with a shot of novacaine. The man says, "Oh, no! I don't want any kind of pain medicine!"

The dentist says "OK, I'll just give you these pills. They will ease the tension & make it easier."

"Oh, No!" said the man. "I said no pain medicine!"

The dentist said, "Alright, then I'll just give you a little gas. Then, when I finish you will not have noticed a thing."

The guy says "I told you that I do not want any kind of pain medicine!"

By this time the dentist was very perplexed by this, comes out with one pill. The man says "No! I told you NO PAIN MEDICINE!"

"This is not pain medicine!" responded the dentist.

"Well, then! What is it?" replied the man.

"It's Viagra." the dentist reponded. "

"Viagra?" the man said.

"Yea!" said the dentist. "With as much pain as you're going to be in, you're going to need something to hang onto!'
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54 Posts

Posted - 04/06/2004 :  18:06:41  Show Profile
What! Nobody has any good jokes? Heard the one 'bout the 3-legged pig?

Man drives up to a farm house. Animals everywhere. A little pig runs out. Real friendly! The man notices that the pig only has 3 legs.

The farmer comes out, & after a little cordial conversation the man asks the farmer, "What's the deal with this 3-legged pig?"

The farmer replies, "Well! You see. This little pig is a great pig. Last summer my tractor turned over on top of me, & this little pig came & dug & dug & finally got me loose. Probably saved my life!"

The man says, "Well! That's good & all, but it still doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."

The farmer says, "Just this past fall some coyotes were chasin' my daughter out in the pasture, & this little pig ran 'em off. Probably saved her life!"

"That's incredible!" said the man. "But, what about the 3 legs?"

The farmer said, "Well! Just last winter, while we were sleepin' one night, the house caught on fire, & we didn't even know it. We would have surely died if that little pig hadn't come to the door & knocked on it & knocked on it 'till we woke up. We all would have died for sure if it hadn't been for that little pig!"

The man said, "Well! That is pretty awesome, But it still doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs!"

"Well! Ya' see." said the farmer. "A great pig like that. You don't just eat all at one time!"

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231 Posts

Posted - 04/06/2004 :  19:31:45  Show Profile
There were two brothers who decided to become contractors. Their first job was putting siding on a house. One brother came around the corner of the house and saw his brother throwing a nail on the ground and reaching for another nail and he yelled, “Why are you throwing nails on the ground”?

His brother replied, “Those nails are pointed in the wrong direction so I am just tossing them”. This really upset the first brother who yelled, “You stupid fool, put them in another box because they are for the other side of the house”.

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Janice Toll

40 Posts

Posted - 04/06/2004 :  20:20:33  Show Profile
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is just fair, giving that you are blind, that you should know
five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

I hope my blonde friends will forgive me, but this was sent to me by one of them, and is just too funny!

Janice R. Martin-Toll
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1014 Posts

Posted - 04/08/2004 :  09:45:33  Show Profile

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny
Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he
immediately clasped, his hands together at his crotch,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident
agony. The woman rushed down to the man and
immediately began to apologize. She said,

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said

"Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a
minute", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to
help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and
began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like heck."
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54 Posts

Posted - 04/09/2004 :  17:37:08  Show Profile
After years of being nagged a guy finally takes his wife deer hunting with him. He's taught her all about gun safety, & she can shoot pretty good, but really knows nothing about hunting.

Early in the morning he takes her out & puts her in the deer stand. He makes his way in the dark to his deer stand, & before he really gets settled, he hears a gun shot & then another shot from the direction of his wife's deer stand.

He waits at his stand for a while, his wife never yells or anything. Finally, curiosity gets the best of him, & he starts walking to his wife's stand wondering if she has shot a deer.

When he gets there he finds his wife holding her rifle on a game warden who has his hands above his head.

The game warden says, " Yes mam! I know it's your deer, & you can have it as soon as I get my saddle off of it!"
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54 Posts

Posted - 04/09/2004 :  18:11:06  Show Profile
I read this one several years ago in Sports Afield or something, but anyway, this is how I remember it.

Four lifelong friends grew up together, their spare time spent huntin' & fishin'. One of 'em, John, became a game warden. Although they were friends, he told the others, "I know y'all are poachin' and spotlightin' and huntin' after hours, & if I catch ya' I'm gonna haul ya' in to see the judge!"

He'd been trying to catch 'em for almost 20 years. But, it seemed that everytime he got close they'd hear his truck or just seem to know where he would be.

John, finally, thought, "I'm gonna catch 'em this year! They really like to duck hunt, & I know they are out there too early, & they're poachin' them ducks! They have a cabin out there, & every year they're at that cabin. I'm gonna catch 'em this year!"

He hikes way back into the woods, raining, cold, miserable weather. He gets there about 2:00 in the morning & just waits. "Yea, I'm gonna catch 'em today!" He's sitting out beside the cabin freezin' his tail off & wet.

Sure 'nuff, 'bout 4:00 in the mornig the alarm goes off. He hears rustlin' in the cabin, & one of them comes out & kinda hangs over the porch railing smoking a cigarette.

He finishes the cigarette & just kinda flips it over the porch rail almost hitting John and says, "John, you gonna stay out there & freeze your butt off, or ya' gonna come in & have breakfast with us!"

John thought, "Man! How did they know I was here?" He gets up, walks in & sits down. Kinda embarrassed, sheepishly, he asks them, " Alright! I've got to know! How did you know I was out there?"

The other three just kinda look at each other & say, "Should we tell him?" One of 'em says, "Yea! Go ahead & tell him!"

"John, we didn't know you were there! We've been inviting you in for breakfast, every day now, for the past 20 years!'

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Todd Summers

99 Posts

Posted - 04/10/2004 :  01:15:37  Show Profile
Hah! good one Glover!

Hey did ya know that Sesame Street just celebrated its 35 yr anniversary?

Amazing, huh? Makes me feel really old.

The most amazing thing is that Big Bird has lasted 35 years without being arrested for going around with his pecker showing!
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370 Posts

Posted - 04/10/2004 :  11:56:08  Show Profile
C.O., U.S.S. Saratoga

Dear Captain,

When I got home I found that my father's brick silo had been struck by lightning, knocking some of the bricks off at the top. I decided to fix the silo, and so I rigged up a beam, with a pulley and whip at the top of the silo, and hoisted a couple of barrels full of bricks to the top. When I got through fixing the silo there were a lot of bricks left over.

I hoisted the barrel back up again, secured the line at the bottom, and then went up and filled the barrel with extra bricks. Then I went down to the bottom and cast off the line.

Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening, the barrel started down and jerked me off the ground. I decided to hang on, and halfway up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued on up to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley.

When the barrel hit the ground it busted the bottom, allowing all the bricks to spill out. I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed. Halfway down I again met the barrel and received severe injuries to my shins. When I hit the ground I landed on the bricks, getting numerous painful cuts from the sharp edges.

At this point I must have lost my presence of mind because I let go of the rope. The barrel then came down and struck me another heavy blow on the head, putting me in the hospital for three days.

Respectfully request five days extension of leave.

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373 Posts

Posted - 04/10/2004 :  16:09:50  Show Profile
The television Mythbusters busted the brick and barrel story.
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