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katadj
USA
315 Posts |
 Posted - 04/13/2004 : 22:11:38
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There was this country fellow from Kentucky who had a flat tire, pulled off the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in the front and back of the car.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 17:49:25
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Boot camp! 50 guys could not sleep because there was this one that guy snored so bad that the walls rattled! After about a week of no sleep they got permission to move this guy over to an empty barrack. Then, everybody got a good night sleep.
Then, a new guy gets transferred over! The guys in the barracks think that it would be real funny to put him in the empy barracks with the guy that snores so baDly! Sure enough, the next morning at mess the guy comes in, his eyes all red from no sleep! Oviously, had a tough time sleeping the night before. All the guys were laughing about it thinking "This guy was up all night because of the snoring!"
The next morning, the guy comes in "Fresh as a daisy!" looks like he's had the best night ever!
One of the guys asks him "How've you been sleeping?"
The guy replied "Well! The first night I didn't sleep too well because of the guy snoring all night, but last night I slept real good!"
"What did you you different last night to give you a good night's sleep?" asked the guy from the barracks.
"Well! Sure enough, last night he started out snoring away. I just went over and gave him a little kiss on the cheek, and he spent the rest of the night WATCHING ME SLEEP!" |
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olderthendirt
USA
370 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 10:05:45
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To explain: A Newfie is a species of Canada who dwells on a barron water bound rock where the sun rarely shines. Canada has no known hill people they have newfie's instead.
Pass the Buck !
A Newfie goes to the Doctor with potty problems...."Dactor, it's me arse. I
needs ya ta hava look".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a $20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note
appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur jezz sakes yank it out, bye!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare bye?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand |
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2004 : 13:38:02
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An old one, but a good one!
A guy has a flat tire in front of a "home for the mentally impaired". As he changed his tire he noticed one of the patients just sitting & rocking in a rocking chair on the front porch.
The guy jacked up his car, pulled the hub cap & proceeded to take off the lug nuts & placed them in the hub cab. Sure 'nuff, he turns the hub cap over & loses all 5 of the lug nuts in the high grass.
Wondering what he was going to do, the patient on the front porch of the "home for the mentally impaired" noticed what was going on & said, "Why don't you take 1 lug nut from each of the three remaining tires & put them on the tire that you lost the lug nuts. That will give you 3 lug nuts on the spare which will be sufficient to get you down the road to the service station."
The guy took his advice. When he finished he thanked the patient & said to him "You are a pretty sharp guy. That was a great idea. If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing at a "home for the mentally impaireded?"
The patient responded "Hey! Man! I'm crazy! I'm not STUPID!" |
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2004 : 13:39:33
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Lawyer joke:
Do you know why lawyers wear bow ties?
It keeps the foreskin from coming up over their heads! |
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2004 : 13:56:35
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Every Sunday morning for the past 25 years John & George played golf. Every Sunday for the past 25 years John got home from playing golf with George at 12:15 pm, just like clockwork. This Sunday John gets home at 6:30 pm!
John's wife was real curious as to the delay. John said to his wife, "Well, dear! It wasn't my fault! On the second hole George had a heart attack and died!"
"Oh! My goodness!" said his wife. "I am so sorry! That must have been horrible for you!"
"Yes! It was horrible!" said John. "After that, it was - HIT THE BALL, DRAG GEORGE, HIT THE BALL, DRAG GEORGE... |
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2004 : 14:57:46
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A man's wife had finally gotten sick of her husband! He had been going to all of these POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE seminars, & everything out of his mouth was POSITIVE! She was sick of it.
Finally! She asked him "What could you say that was positive to some one going to the electric chair?" He thought for a little & said "More power to you, buddy!"
Their 11 year old son comes home from school & hands her his report card. She looks at it & is thoroughly discusted! She hands it to her husband & defies him to find anything positive about it!
"Sure I can find something positive about it!" he says. He looks it over - 1-F, 3-D's, & 2-C's (1 of which is in conduct)
"Well! she says. "Do you see anything that is positive about that report card?"
"Sure! At least we know that he didn't cheat!" he said.
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Tom Toll
USA
154 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2004 : 10:55:05
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[:D]
A Cajun, named Eric, was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana
recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well
known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my
pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and
let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump
rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?" |
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olderthendirt
USA
370 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2004 : 08:58:22
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Subject: 30 Years Difference
>
>
>
>
> 30 Years difference
>
> 1972: Long hair
> 2002: Longing for hair
>
> 1972: The perfect high
> 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
> 1972: KEG
> 2002: EKG
>
> 1972: Acid rock
> 2002: Acid reflux
>
> 1972: Moving to California because it's cool
> 2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>
> 1972: Growing pot
> 2002: Growing pot belly
>
> 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
> 1972: Seeds and stems
> 2002: Roughage
>
> 1972: Killer weed
> 2002: Weed killer
>
> 1972: Hoping for a BMW
> 2002: Hoping for a BM
>
> 1972: The Grateful Dead
> 2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>
> 1972: Going to a new, hip joint
> 2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>
> 1972: Rolling Stones
> 2002: Kidney Stones
>
> 1972: Being called into the principal's office
> 2002: Calling the principal's office
>
> 1972: Screw the system
> 2002: Upgrade the system
>
> 1972: Disco
> 2002: Costco
>
> 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
> 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
> 1972: Passing the drivers' test
> 2002: Passing the vision test
>
> 1972: Whatever
> 2002: Depends
>
> Just in case you weren't fee ling too old today, this will
certainly
>change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts
>together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of
this
>year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
>
> The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were
>born in 1983. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing
up.
>
> Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
>
> Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
>
> The CD was introduced the year they were born.
>
> They have always had an answering machine.
>
> They have always had cable.
>
> They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
>
> Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
>
> Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
>
> They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
>
> They can't imagine what hard contact lenses! are.
>
> They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
>
> They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
>Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
>
> They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even
is.
>
> McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
>
> They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
>
> Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in
your
>life, and don't forget the youngins so they can see what the stone age
was
>like ;-)
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2004 : 09:26:54
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Marines and Hawgs
When Clinton was still President, he returned after
a weekend trip home to Arkansas, stepped from the
Marine 1 helicopter and onto the White House lawn.
He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hogs.
At the bottom of the steps, the young Marine crewman
snapped to attention and said, "Fine looking pigs,
sir!"
Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Marine,
don't you know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs,
they're hawgs."
The Marine replied, "This Marine begs the COMMANDER
IN CHIEF'S pardon, sir. Fine looking 'hawgs', sir!"
Clinton smiled with pride, and the Marine relaxed.
The President went on, "Thank you son. You see this
one here?" He nodded to the hog under his right
arm. "I got this one for Chelsea." Then he nodded
to the hog under his left. "This one here, I got
for Hillary."
At that the Marine snapped back to attention and
said, "Outstanding trades, Sir."
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Wes
USA
62 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2004 : 10:22:33
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| Olderthendirt your date timeline joke is very funny. Could you please tell me though what the BM stands for in the BMW comparison. This was the only part I couldn't figure out. |
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CCarr
Canada
1200 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2004 : 10:54:39
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| Wow Wes, you must be a young fella, or an old goat like some of us; but one that eats a lot of roughage (see 2 above the BM) and hence may not yearn the same for the elusive BM. That's the only clue I'll give you. |
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MysteryCat
USA
23 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2004 : 12:27:44
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| I saw a Harley rider the other day whose t-shirt said "I love to snatch kisses... and vice versa!" |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2004 : 21:52:27
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Forest Gump Died. The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He walks up to the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself The good saint says:
"Well, Forrest, we're glad to see you." We have heard a lot about you. I must let you know however, that the place is filling up fast, so we have been giving an entrance examination to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven.
You need to answer these three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3 What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, that's an easy one. There are two of them~Today and Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes open wide in surprise:
"Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but I'll give you credit for that answer."
"How about the second question?"
"Now, that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I'll guess the answer to be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
"Shucks, there's gotta be twelve," Forrest answers, "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc."
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on to the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replies, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint.
"OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God?"
"Shucks," Forrest replies, "that was the easiest one of all":
ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, run!"
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KileAnderson
USA
875 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2004 : 22:17:10
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| Wes, the best definition I can give you of BM is this: It's the thing that reCONman does everytime he posts a message to the CADO forum. |
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