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ChuckDeaton
USA
373 Posts |
 Posted - 03/19/2004 : 09:00:34
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About to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles needed a woman to enjoy it with. He went to a bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with him, and the next day she was his stepmother.
(When will guys EVER learn?)
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fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2004 : 14:09:05
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Wife wakes up in the middle of the night and husband is not there. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table, in the dark. Turning on the light, she sees that he is silently crying, with tears running down both cheeks. She wants to know what the problem is and his answer is that he is just thinking about their senior prom. He asks if she remembers it and she says yes. He asks her if she remembers that was the first time they made love, in the back of his old Ford and she says yes she does. He asks if she remembers her daddy putting the barrel of the shotgun to his head and saying "you are going to marry my daughter or do 20 years in prison". She says yes she remembers it, but "why are you crying".
He lets out a sob and says "I would have got out today". |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 03/20/2004 : 06:29:26
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Bear with me....it is Tournament time! Go Heels!
A Kentucky fan, a North Carolina fan and a Duke fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Duke fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Duke fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying like a sissy when the punishment was done.
The Kentucky fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Kentucky fan out crying like a little girl.
The North Carolina fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni have some of the best and most loyal basketball fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the North Carolina fan replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the DUKE fan to my back
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khromas
USA
103 Posts |
Posted - 03/21/2004 : 17:35:21
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Hey, Jim -
'Horns - 78
'Heels - 75
Guess us Texas boys got the last laugh on this joke! |
Kevin Hromas |
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khromas
USA
103 Posts |
Posted - 03/21/2004 : 17:49:52
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How You Can Tell When it’s Going to be a Rotten Day
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party…and there aren’t any.
You turn on the news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke…and then realize you don’t have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the highway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.
Author Unknown…but Troubled.
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Kevin Hromas |
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2004 : 08:27:09
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Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan), staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "aint no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2004 : 08:40:00
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Man walks into the confessional box. Says to the priest, "Father I went out to a bar with some buddies last night. We got real drunk. About midnight a couple of young "ladies" in their 20's came over. We partied there for a while. Then I took them up to my hotel room.
Father I'm 57 years old, been married 32 to years, & we partied & had sex all night long."
The priest replied, "My Lord! What kind of Catholic are you?"
Oh! I'm not Catholic." replied the man. "I'm Jewish. I'm telling everyone!" |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2004 : 18:13:27
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Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
So now it will be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount And Do."
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2004 : 18:39:15
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Mexican Earthquake
A massive earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is in total chaos and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America!
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2004 : 21:26:24
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Guy driving down a long dusty dirt road turns onto another dirt road & notices a chicken runnin along side him. He speeds up; the chicken speeds up. He speeds up again; the chicken speeds up again! At about 40mph the chicken passes him, & he notices that the chicken has three legs.
He thinks, "Man I have got to find out about this 3-legged chicken; so, he follows the chicken. The chicken turns off on this side road, & he follows the chicken to this farm house. There are hundreds of these 3-legged chickens, every where!
The farmer finally comes out, & he asks the farmer "What's the deal with all of these 3-legged chickens?"
The farmer responds, "Well, you see! The missus really loves drumsticks. So, about 10 years ago I started developing some hybrid chickens to have more legs. Eventually, I came up with this 3-legged chicken."
"Man! That is incredible!" replied the man. "There must be hundreds of thse 3-legged chickens here. By-the-way! How do they taste?"
"Don't know! Never been able to catch one! replied the farmer
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2004 : 23:32:07
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I grew up in cattle country, specifically beef cattle country. My grandpa always told me that you could tell when the fish were bitin' by watchin' the cows. If the cows were layin' down, the fish just wouldn't bite. if the cows were standin', the fish would be biting!
Over the years I have found that this, pretty much, holds true! If the cows are laying down, the fish do not bite! If some of the cows are laying down, the fish might bite! But, if all the cows are standing, the fish will be biting!!
One early morning as I was driving to my favorite fishing hole, I noticed that all the cows were standing. I thought, "This is going to be a great day of fishing!"
I fished all day long! Didn't catch a thing! I was really frustrated with those cows!
As I was driving home, I noticed the cows on the left side of the road were still standing. These were dairy cows. I thought, "You lyin' cows!" But, then I noticed the cows on the right side of the road. These were beef cows. They were laying down like they knew something!
Lesson learned: "DAIRY COWS DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT FISHING!!"
Principle Learned: "IF YOU WANT ADVICE, TALK TO PEOPLE THAT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!"
Now! If you really want to know where the fish are bitin', ya' need to follow the dragonflies! Ask any real fisherman!"
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Edited by - gloverb on 03/23/2004 23:35:42 |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2004 : 22:22:23
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Man walks into doctor's office. Doctor says, I've got terrible news for you: you're suffering from terminal cancer. Also, you have amnesia. Man says, Hey, at least I don't have cancer!
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2004 : 22:26:54
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Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before
St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth
and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
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danguyer
USA
26 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 12:31:01
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Every once in a while you hear a good CLEAN joke that you may feel obligated
to pass along, and this is one of them. Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish. He walked to the
window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. It
was then he noticed a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He
promptly called the Pres. for assistance. The conversation went like
this: "Good morning. This is President Bush! How might I help you?" "And the
best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's
a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a
couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Bush, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then
replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
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Dan Guyer |
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Todd Summers
USA
99 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2004 : 13:15:01
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The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then
one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas,
she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they
knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some
wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her
face said,
"Don't sell that cow." |
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