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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
 Posted - 03/05/2004 : 16:47:03
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The Roofer
A duck walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich and a Coke.
Startled, the proprietor just looks at it.
Finally the duck says, "Don't you serve Coke? Pepsi would be fine."
The proprietor apologizes and says, "We just don't get many talking ducks in here."
Every workday, the duck stops in for lunch...ordering a sandwich and a Coke.
Finally the counter man gets up enough courage to start talking to the duck...asking him what he does for a living.
The duck says, "I'm a roofer."
Guy says, "Seriously? You're a roofer?"
Duck says, "Yep."
One day a circus comes to town and the restaurant guy can't wait to tell the owner that there is a talking duck that comes in every day.
Circus guy waits at a table until the duck comes in and orders. Goes over to the duck and says, "I can make you rich."
Duck seems uninterested.
Guy says, "You don't understand. I own the circus that's here in town, and I can make you rich."
Duck says, "A circus. Big tents, long poles, ropes...that kind of thing?"
Owner says, "Yeh. Wanna come to work for me and strike it rich?"
Duck says, "What would the circus need with a roofer?"
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gloverb
USA
54 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2004 : 11:28:06
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Upon completion of his work a plumber presents his bill to the homeowner.
The homeowner replies, "My gosh! This price is outrageous. I'm a brain surgeon, & I don't make this kind of money."
The plumber looks at him & says, "You know, when I was a brain surgeon I didn't make that kind of money, either." |
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fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2004 : 21:05:17
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| Jack was helping Jill do her laundry. By chance he wound up folding her undies. A few days later she thanked him but remarked he didn't have to put so much powder in her bras. His reply "it wasn't powder it was miracle grow". |
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fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2004 : 21:12:02
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A true story
Working on a seismic research ship I wound up with the new college grad as my roomate. He had never been away from home (the college was in his home town). One day he decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he entered the laundry room he yelled "what setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I said. "What does it say on your shirt?"
His answer "Louisiana State University".
And they say Aggies are dumb. |
Edited by - fkj on 03/06/2004 21:19:59 |
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fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2004 : 21:25:08
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A Man's Perfect Breakfast
He's sitting at the table with his coffee, food, and the morning mail.
His son is on the front of the Wheaties box.
His daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy.
And his wife's picture is on the back of the milk carton. |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2004 : 23:32:27
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyers loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen friend, the other five continue
playing standing up.
Beringer looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They draw straws. Goldstein picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
”Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name, leave it to me," says Goldstein.
Goldstein goes over to the Meyers’ apartment, knocks on the door. The wife
answers and asks what he wants.
Goldstein declares: "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
I'll go tell him," says Goldstein.
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Jimb
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2004 : 14:01:04
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Pat and Mike got jobs working at the brewery. About 2 weeks after starting the job Mike fell into one of the brewing vats and drowned. Pat was left with with the chore of informing the new widow of her husband's demise.
After being greeted at the door Pat told Mike's wife: "I've some terrible news for ye Annie. There was an accident at the brewery today and Mike was drownded in a vat of beer."
Recovering from the shock of the tragic news Annie asked forlornly: : "Tell me Patrick, was it quick?"
Pat replied: "Yes Annie darlin, it was fairly quick, except he did get out 3 times to go to the batroom." |
Edited by - Jimb on 03/07/2004 17:44:05 |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2004 : 19:51:26
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John Durham went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.
First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."
But John said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."
The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."
However John said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."
So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."
After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.
John asked, "What kind of pills are those?"
The dentist said, "Viagra."
John said, "WHAT! Why these?"
The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you
something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.
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ChuckDeaton
USA
373 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 15:46:40
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Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
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Johnd
USA
110 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 15:57:20
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Today's Newz:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
It couldn't get any more accurate than that!!
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John Durham
sui cuique fingunt fortunam |
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khromas
USA
103 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2004 : 20:20:29
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Why Men are Happier Than Women
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station ‘cause this one’s just too ‘icky’.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000.00, tux rental - $100.00.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, mangle or blister your feet.
One mood, ALL THE TIME!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color … all seasons.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
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Kevin Hromas |
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khromas
USA
103 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2004 : 21:35:43
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Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins
1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help!
2. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bezer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Bezer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4pm there will an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me in My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5pm there will be meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
19. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21. The Senior Choir invites any member who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to recycle. Proceed will be used to cripple children.
24. The Lutheran Men’s group will meet a 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and desert will be served for a nominal feel.
25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!”
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Kevin Hromas |
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olderthendirt
USA
370 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2004 : 08:05:08
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume
filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered."
But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of
me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband
came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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Johnd
USA
110 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2004 : 17:04:18
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JOKE OF THE DAY, (AND THE INDUSTRY), as suggested.
ICA, Troy Brown, Brown Brothers and their maze of companies. |
John Durham
sui cuique fingunt fortunam |
Edited by - Johnd on 03/18/2004 18:28:38 |
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olderthendirt
USA
370 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2004 : 07:37:59
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1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very
often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you
were to get a free trip around the sun.)
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils - DON"T !
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