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103 Posts

Posted - 02/15/2004 :  18:45:24  Show Profile
Thought for the day:

Don't let your karma run over your dogma!

Kevin Hromas
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/18/2004 :  19:25:44  Show Profile
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love
with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some exercises and took little David
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

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Jim Lakes

37 Posts

Posted - 02/18/2004 :  21:27:03  Show Profile
That is a good one. Although I think it would be more befitting for Clinton.
Your friend and political debating Pal,
Jim Lakes
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/18/2004 :  23:34:40  Show Profile
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife, Hillary, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you Mr. President?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/19/2004 :  13:35:13  Show Profile
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just
stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
she asked. "They're mating," her father replied." What do you call the
spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father
answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl
thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said
"Well, it might be ok in California or New York but we're not having any of
that crap in Texas."
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20 Posts

Posted - 02/19/2004 :  23:22:21  Show Profile
A drunk stumbles in a bar and asks the bartender for two quarts of martini.
The bartender says, " Go home, your too drunk!" The drunk replies, "you think
I am drunk, you ought to get a load of my girlfriend, her stockings are on her
arms and her hair is all down in her face and everytime I kiss her she goes
poot and mannnnnnnnn you ought to get a load of her breath!!!"
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20 Posts

Posted - 02/19/2004 :  23:35:09  Show Profile
A Texas Aggie was headed to school walking across country. In his overall pocket,
he had his lunch. Halfway there he had to go to the little boy's room realll bad.
Scanning the countryside he noticed a Johnny house on a nearby hill. Hurriedly, he
made it just in time. Upon entering, he noticed it was a two seater. He drops his
overalls and laid them on the other seat and did his business. A knock came at
the door and a man peeped inside. "Man what in the heck are you doing!" Seeing the
Aggie in his shorts fishing in the John with a long stick. The Aggie replied, "I
let my overalls fall down the other hole!" Aww man, leave them there you will never
be able to wear those nasty things again! "Yeah, I know!" said the Aggie,"But my
Lunch is in the left hand pocket!!!!

***Substitute any school you want!
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7 Posts

Posted - 02/20/2004 :  11:07:06  Show Profile
A roofer came to work on the morning after Thanksgiving and while everyone was discussing how their holiday went he offered that he was forced to do away with his cat. When asked why, he replied that his wife had baked some Thanksgiving pies and had set them on the window sill to cool. While they were left unattended the cat junped the sill and proceeded to crap right in the middle of one of them. His fellow roofers agreed that was a good reason to do away with the animal. The roofer repleid: "Sure was! He damn near ruined the whole pie!"
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/20/2004 :  20:45:00  Show Profile

A grandfather was at the Mall with his 5 year old grandson last
week and they got separated.

The little boy approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've
lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
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370 Posts

Posted - 02/26/2004 :  14:13:00  Show Profile
from a Canuk Friend

I got this warning from a security guard friend today. Be sure to check your baggage carefully when you next fly to the Excited States of America.

At New York Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator. Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
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103 Posts

Posted - 03/02/2004 :  21:58:41  Show Profile
My first wife was so ugly, every morning when I woke up and looked at her I would get sick and throw up.
She took me to the doctor and explained the problem to him.

He said "I don't know about his stomach but his eyesight is perfect!"

Kevin Hromas
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54 Posts

Posted - 03/02/2004 :  22:34:05  Show Profile
Two Aggies rented a boat & went fishing. All day long they caught fish, just slaughtered em. One says "It's startin to get dark, guess we better go." The other one gets up with a red magic marker & puts a big red "x" in the bottom of the boat. The other one says "What are you doing?"

He says "I'm marking our fishing spot so we can come back here & fish tomorrow."

The other Aggie says "You fool! We probably won't even get the same boat."
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54 Posts

Posted - 03/02/2004 :  22:44:59  Show Profile
As an Aggie construction supervisor watches his Aggie carpenter put siding on a house he noticed that about every other nail the Aggie carpenter would look at it & then throw it over his shoulder.

After a time of watching this the Aggie supervisor walks down & asks the Aggie carpenter, "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" replied the Aggie carpenter.

"Well, why are you throwing those nails away?" questioned the supervisor

The carpenter replies "Oh! Those nails are defective. The heads are on the wrong end."

"You idiot", responds the supervisor, "Those go on the other side of the house."

Edited by - gloverb on 03/02/2004 22:46:12
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Tom Toll

154 Posts

Posted - 03/04/2004 :  12:17:19  Show Profile
A good way to get your wife happy, (yeah, sure).

3/3 6:15p
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as they did when they were younger.
When men notice this,
they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago,
it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained
lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job
at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that

she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from
fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at
her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand
that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me
when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each
evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates
this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was
younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not
get tired.Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more
quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I
don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry
the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but
unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to
Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
bowling or something alike that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds
and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale
the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little
occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice.

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay
the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I
continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple
jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to
take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when
she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook moments like
these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not
embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can
talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming
from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find
it impossible.

No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can
become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that
you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of
showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the
average man.

However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little
less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was

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1014 Posts

Posted - 03/05/2004 :  16:40:02  Show Profile
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter.

One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, "please let her be having an affair."

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