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370 Posts

Posted - 02/09/2004 :  08:24:16  Show Profile
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
>wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the
>rest of my life?"
>"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
>There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
>wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription
>marked 'NO REFILLS'."
>An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
>insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As
he was
>about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad,
>it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it
>go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come
>live with you and your wife...."
>Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age
>and start bragging about it.
>The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
>Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
>"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
>weren't paved.
>When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
>You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
>I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
>Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
>First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
>your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
>Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
>asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you
manage to
>live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first
marriage was
>to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third
marriage was
>to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend
>"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One
for the
>money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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26 Posts

Posted - 02/10/2004 :  09:05:32  Show Profile
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim
it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my
$20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I
want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and
the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
dollar back!"
A Hillbilly family's only son had
saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back
home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said,
''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be pretty smart. Why
don't you speak some math fer' us?''
''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'!
Pie are round, cornbread are square.''
After having their 11th child, an
Alabama couple decided that was enough so the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a
cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me, I don't want to go deaf!"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light
it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his
other hand
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and
Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found
themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God
bless his soul, he
lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here
that he was 95
when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
"Miles, from Georgia."

Dan Guyer
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/11/2004 :  00:15:02  Show Profile

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."
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26 Posts

Posted - 02/11/2004 :  10:11:29  Show Profile
OLE ANSWERED the phone and came back to the living room crying. "Well,
> Ole! What in the world is the matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena.
> "I just had bad news, Lena," said Ole, "My father just
> died."
> Just then phone the rang again, Ole went to answer it and came
> back crying again.
> "Well, now, Ole, what is the matter?" asked Lena.
> "That was my brother." said Ole. "His father just died
> too!"
> =====================================
> OLE WAS hired by the city council
> in a town in Minnesota to be one of the town's traffic cops. While on
> duty one day, Ole stopped a speeder and began to write up a ticket.
> "What is your name?" asked Ole.
> The motorist answered,
> "Tchichailow Nladivkowski."
> Ole's hesitated for a while before he put his pen back
> into his shirt pocket, saying,
> "Well, I'll let you go this time, but don't let me catch
> you speeding in this town again!"
> ======================================
> WHEN HORSES still did much and
> hard farm work, Claus answered a knock on his door and there was his
> friend Ole, very troubled. Claus said, "Uff da, Ole, come in, what's
> wrong? You look terrible!"
> Ole stammered, "You know my best horse Lena? She d-died
> last night!"
> Claus and Ole were both solemnly silent for some time,
> contemplating life's setbacks. But Ole could not contain his grief;
> after a while he stammered, "It's a funny thing too, she has never done
> that before!"
> ======================================
> ONE PARTICULAR Sunday Ole was
> lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena
> he was feeling a little religious.
> "God," said Ole, "when you made Lena, why did you make
> her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"
> Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her,
> Ole."
> "Well then, why," asked Ole, "why did you make her so
> stupid?"
> "So that she would love you," said the voice.
> ======================================
> LENA GREETED Ole at the door of
> their apartment when he came home from work.
> "Guess what," said Lena. "Do you remember we've been
> talking about getting a more expensive apartment?"
> "What about it?" said Ole.
> "Well," said Lena. "We don't have to look. The landlord
> just raised the rent!"

A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was Pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she asked.
The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
cop. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Dan Guyer
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/11/2004 :  11:35:41  Show Profile
A blonde called British Airways and asked how long the flight was from New York to London.

"Just a minute....." the reservations agent answered.

"Thanks, that's what I need to know" said the blonde and then hung up.
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7 Posts

Posted - 02/11/2004 :  21:32:11  Show Profile
Question: What do you call an intelligent blonde?

Answer: A Golden Retriever.......
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/12/2004 :  08:58:24  Show Profile
Hey, now just hang on there one're going to give Golden Retrievers a bad name.
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22 Posts

Posted - 02/12/2004 :  12:14:44  Show Profile
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110 Posts

Posted - 02/12/2004 :  16:12:47  Show Profile
Did anyone see the latest on DRUDGE regarding John Kerry.... Looks like a Clinton "Trainee."" target="_blank"> br /

John Durham
sui cuique fingunt fortunam

Edited by - Johnd on 02/12/2004 16:20:58
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/12/2004 :  20:17:32  Show Profile
I thought this was a thread for jokes and not politics.
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/12/2004 :  20:20:37  Show Profile
Flying Southwest Airlines

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain
that to you !!"

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23 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2004 :  00:07:25  Show Profile
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

"If you think something small cannot make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room." ~unknown
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2004 :  08:37:23  Show Profile
George Carlin's View on Aging!

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21 YEARS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.

Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
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26 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2004 :  12:48:14  Show Profile
Better Than a Flu Shot

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven
said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."
"Vhy's dat?" Ole asked.
"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."
Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da jokes on you! I
vasn't even home last night!
A few years back, on the opening
day of deer season, Ole and Sven went hunting together. Sure enough, as
was bound to happen with Ole and Sven in the same swamp with guns, Ole
accidently shot Sven. Well, Ole jumps into the truck, drives down to the
nearest bar and calls the ambulance. Soon, the police, game wardens,
fire trucks, EMTs and the ambulance all show up at the scene of the
tragedy. The EMTs work frantically on Sven while a nervous Ole waits
Finally, one of the exhausted paramedics comes over to Ole. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "We did everything we could. We just couldn't save him."
"OH NO!",cries Ole. "My only brudder! Vat vill I do? I'm so sorry, Sven!
Vat could I have done to save you?"
"Well," said the EMT, with a look of disgusted anger on her face, "It
would've helped a LOT if you hadn't gutted him out!
When Ole went to play cards with
da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you
bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go
bowling you bring your wife."
Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way I
don't never have to kiss her goodbye.
Ole was taking Lena, who was
pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control
and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother Sven,
sitting at his bedside. He asked Sven how Lena was and his brother
replied, "Don't vorry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a
daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth
certificate filed and both you and Lena vere unconscious so I named them
for you."
Ole was thinking to himself, "Oh no, vat has he done now?" and said,
"Well, what did you name them?"
Sven replied, "I named da little girl Denise."
Ole said, "Ya, dat's a very pretty name! And yust vat did you come up
vith for my son?"
Sven smiled and replied, "Denephew.
Ole went to the Doctor because he
was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm
sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you
are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe
that you move in with your mother-in-law."
Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old
The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life.

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came ! back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted... but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.

Dan Guyer
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1014 Posts

Posted - 02/13/2004 :  21:36:40  Show Profile

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your only mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to
catch flies.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
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