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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
 Posted - 01/26/2004 : 12:13:49
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What Happens When You Give Up Beer, Golf & Sex?
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2004 : 15:26:24
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John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he
noticed a special telephone near the Cowboys bench. He asked Quincy
Carter what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John
asked if he could use it. Quincy told him, "Sure, but it will cost you
$100." John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use
some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $100. John's
picks were perfect that week.
The next week John was in St Louis when he noticed that same kind of phone
on the Rams bench. He asked what the telephone was for and Marc Bulger told
him, "It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you
$500." Recalling last week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call.
John's picks were perfect again that week.
The next weekend John was in Charlotte at Ericcson Stadium when he noticed
the same kind of telephone by the Panthers bench. He asked Jake
Delhomme, "Is that the hotline to God?" Jake said, "Yes, and if you want to
use it, it will cost you 35 cents."
John looked incredulously at Jake and said, "Wait a second, I just paid
$100 in Dallas and $500 in St Louis to use the same phone to God! Why do
the Panthers only charge 35 cents?"
Jake looked at John and replied, "In the Carolinas, it's a local call."
GO PANTHERS!
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/27/2004 : 13:28:09
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A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he
says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Jimb
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - 01/27/2004 : 21:26:26
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During a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Democratic lapel pin, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Republican lapel pins. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said. "I have been told about there being bad blood between Democrats and Republicans but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"
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fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2004 : 14:19:16
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| A man is strapped into the electric chair and the warden is ready to push the start button. When asked if he has any thing to say, the man gets the hiccups and says "Will you (hic hic hic) please do (hic hic) something to (hic) scare me". |
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fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2004 : 16:44:12
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| Three buddies having a beer after work. Two of them get into an arguement about which has the most control over his wife. After they settle it, they start in on the third guy. He tells them that last night his wife came to him on her hands and knees. They have to hear more so he tells them they had a big fight at home. At the end of the fight the wife crawled to the bed, looked under it, and told him to come out and fight like a man. |
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fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2004 : 16:45:58
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| Three buddies having a beer after work. Two of them get into an arguement about which has the most control over his wife. After they settle it, they start in on the third guy. He tells them that last night his wife came to him on her hands and knees. They have to hear more so he tells them they had a big fight at home. At the end of the fight the wife crawled to the bed, looked under it, and told him to come out and fight like a man. |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2004 : 11:34:08
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After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind."...... and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the psychiatrist confesses,
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down.
But be warned; after that, it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and anxious to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed. They get in bed, and he says "1-2-3", and just like magic, he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1-2-3' for?
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Amber
USA
23 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2004 : 11:55:29
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A squad of Marines was driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.
The Marine reported: "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable jerk." He yelled back, "Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton are miserable jerks."
We were standing there in the middle of the road shaking hands when a truck hit us." |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2004 : 18:50:20
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West-By-God Virginia
The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of West Virginia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000.00 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied: "Everything but my earrings." |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2004 : 18:52:48
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An Arkansas State Trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I-40.
The trooper asked: "Got an ID?"
The driver replied: "'Bout whut?" |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2004 : 18:57:52
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A group of Tennessee friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail" the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?" the others inquired.
"A tough call" nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one was going to steal Henry." |
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2004 : 00:04:44
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There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief
Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.
The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped
dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
He then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai
opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh!
But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is
that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
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JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2004 : 08:54:17
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The young Hillbilly came running into the country store out of breath and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"
The young Hillbilly answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." |
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Tom Toll
USA
154 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2004 : 12:10:24
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better. [;)]
Thank you for shopping at WalMart
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