| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Tom Toll
USA
154 Posts |
 Posted - 01/05/2004 : 19:08:16
|
| Got a good joke about adjusters, lawyers, Doctors, etc. Submit them. No profanity please |
|
|
Tom Toll
USA
154 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2004 : 21:17:09
|
Enjoy Life to the Fullest
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse crap.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important at my age.
|
 |
|
|
Johnd
USA
110 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2004 : 23:23:57
|
There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them.
A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.
The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick--you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."
The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.
The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes--why not go back and do it again?"
The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time--you hold down the pigeon, and I'll crap on it...."
|
John Durham
sui cuique fingunt fortunam |
|
|
|
JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2004 : 08:50:37
|
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------------------------------------------------
How! do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
---------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
---------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
|
|
|
|
fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2004 : 14:55:24
|
| When the army requests volunteers for dangerous missions, married men are often excluded. Why? The casulty rate is too high, they have nothing to live for. |
|
|
|
fkj
USA
17 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2004 : 15:02:04
|
| Two men out in a boat fishing. One an older man has brought the new kid from work. On a nearby bridge a funeral procession passes and the older man stands in respect. This impresses the younger one and he says so. The old timer replys "it's the least I could do, her and I have been married 31 years". |
|
|
|
JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2004 : 12:54:06
|
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.
|
|
|
|
JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2004 : 16:05:03
|
The buzz word in today's business world is
MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
SUPPOSE: You're a woman and you see a handsome guy
at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks
up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies
you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to
you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass ... That's Arnold
Schwarzenegger!
You liked it, but 20 years later your attorney
decides you were offended.
That's America.
|
|
|
|
khromas
USA
103 Posts |
Posted - 01/14/2004 : 19:15:07
|
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Her are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
|
Kevin Hromas |
|
|
|
Admin
547 Posts |
|
|
Steve H
Switzerland
30 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2004 : 18:07:13
|
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor.
The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor, and made
the webmaster take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT'
note at the end is worth a read, too.)
###############################
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments
to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Title
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .............................................
Initial: .........
Last Name:..............................................
Password: ............................... (max. 8 char)
Code Name:..............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........................
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):
......../......./......
4. Serial Number: ........................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend
to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missile
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Indicate all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding
to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our
Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
IMPORTANT:
This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named
above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or
unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense
of humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is
not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an
irritating social faux pas.
Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
transmission of this email, although the pit bull next door is living
on borrowed time, let me tell you.
Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified
to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this
warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.
If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and
egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
Sure, you can TRUST the Government. Ask any Native American.
|
|
|
|
olderthendirt
USA
370 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2004 : 09:02:01
|
> An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes
gas
> and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in
the
world
> was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."
> A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
> score."
> After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Ah,
> I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one
and
> says, "Touchdown,tie score."
> Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field
> goal, I lead 17 to 14. Now the pressure is on, Old Man!"
> He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
> defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and
> accidentally poops in bed. The wife says, "What the hell was
that?" The
old
> man says, "Half time, switch sides."
|
|
|
|
ChuckDeaton
USA
373 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2004 : 19:54:59
|
| Reminds me of the story about Junior Chambliss coming home, AWOL, it was his birthday, from Basic Training. Junior brought out a hand granade and showed it to Drill. "What's that?' says Drill. "I'll show ya, it'll make a big boom!" says Junior, pulling the pin and chucking it into the outhouse. "Wait! Pop's in there!" yelled Pap. About that time the grenade went off, scattering pieces of outhouse all over, causing Prince Albert cans and pages of the Sears Roebuck to rain down in the garden. Junior and Drill ran toward the smoldering ruins as Pop dragged himself up out of the pit. "Air you alright, Paw?" said Drill. "Wow!" said Pop. "I'm sure glad I didn't let THAT ONE in the house!" |
|
|
|
JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/22/2004 : 21:55:10
|
| Looks like the word of the day is scatalogical. |
|
|
|
JimF
USA
1014 Posts |
Posted - 01/23/2004 : 14:57:36
|
THE DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed
a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He
was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that
hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it
off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well
and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells
just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the crap out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you
|
|
|
|
olderthendirt
USA
370 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2004 : 09:22:12
|
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks
in
> > the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers". He
> > calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.
> >
> > The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder,a
> > baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you
going
> > to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up
against
the
> > roof,
> > then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with
this
> > baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to
grab
> > his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough
for
me
> > to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
> >
> > He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
> > asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the
dog!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Jokes of the Day
Forum Locked
