|Posted on Tuesday, May 09, 2000 - 11:19 am: |
I heard about an adjuster awhile back that was walking the ridge of a 3 story condo, lost his balance and started sliding down the slope. As he went over the edge, he grabbed the gutter, which began to pull loose, but left him hanging on to a 10' section, about 30' above the ground and a cluster of holly and rose bushes. He yelled out"Help,Help,,,,can anyone help me?" Suddenly he heard a huge voice that said,"YES, I CAN HELP YOU, BUT FIRST, DO YOU HAVE FAITH?" The adjuster replied, "yes!yes!, I have faith" The voice commanded,"O.K., TURN LOOSE OF THE GUTTER" The adjuster looked down at all that shrubbery,thought a minute and yelled,"Is there anyone else up there that can help me?"
|Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2000 - 9:17 pm: |
Not a joke, but a very significant quote I heard another "old dog" say one time. "After all these years I've learned 2 important conclusions,First, there really is a God; second, I'm not Him.
|Posted on Wednesday, May 03, 2000 - 3:10 pm: |
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. Wreckage resembled that at an airplane crash, but it was a car--make and model unidentifiable at the scene.
A lab figured out the story. It seems the driver had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off--actually a solid fuel rocket) that's used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" taking off from short airfields.
He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the jet device. The cops calculate that the driver of the car...hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 3 miles from the crash site. Ashphalt was scorched and melted there.
Reaching maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds, the driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event.
The individual remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.
Became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet and leaving a black crater three feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
|Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2000 - 10:53 pm: |
Dave Hood handled a worker's comp claim where an claimant injured his leg. Taken to the hospital, the family was called in, and amputation was recommended for the damaged leg.
Recovering from surgery, the claimant was taken to the recovery room, where his spouse was allowed to visit. When she saw him, she screamed. The doctor hearing her, came in and inquired what was wrong. She advised the doctor that the wrong leg was amputated. Immediately, the claimant was taken back to surgery and the damaged leg was amputated.
Later, after recovery, the claimant sued the doctor, the hospital, the insurance carrier, and Dave personally.
The case went to court.
What do you think the court decided?
*The claimant lost.
Seems he didn't have a leg to stand on.
|Tom Toll (Tom)|
|Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2000 - 9:38 pm: |
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.
The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the
bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ' comfortable' ?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.
Come -- for -- da -- bull."
|Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2000 - 5:30 pm: |
Three gentlemen were sitting on the porch talking about how it was to be senior citizens. The 60 year old said "60 is the worst age there is. I stand at the toilet for ever and can't piss, all that ever comes out is a little dribble". The 70 year old said "70 is the worst age. I can't crap, I sit on the toilet for hours and can't go". The 80 year old said "you both are wrong, 80 is the worst age". The 60 year old asked "why, can't you piss"? The 80 year old said "no, I piss every morning at 6 a.m. sharp". The 70 year old said "well then can't you crap"? The 80 year old said "I crap fine every morning at 6:30 a.m." The other two seniors finally asked "well then what is so wrong about being 80"? The 80 year old said "I don't wake up until 7 a.m. every morning".
|Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2000 - 2:45 pm: |
One hot, steamy day down on the bayou, Boudreaux was walking past his good friend, Hebert's house. Hebert was sitting on his front porch just rocking away. He had a terrible frown on his face. Boudreaux asked his old friend what was wrong to which Hebert replied, "It's the new baby, all he does is mess his diapers. We spend all day washing, drying and folding diapers." Astonished Boudreaux asked his old friend, "Ain't you ever heard of dem Pampers?" Hebert said, "What's dat?" Boudreaux told him, "You just put dem on the baby and when dey full you throw dem away."
About two weeks later Boudreaux was passing Hebert's house and saw him rocking on his porch with a big grin on his face. Boudreaux asked, "What's wrong with you, you dumb cajun?" Hebert said, "Nothing, just those Pampers are the best thing in the world." About that time the baby came out on the porch with it's diaper hanging almost to the floor it was so full. Boudreaux seeing this told Hebert, "What's wrong with you, that baby's diaper needs changing?" Hebrt replied, "Oh no, on the box it said 15 to 20 pounds."
|Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2000 - 11:03 am: |
A husband and wife were celebrating thier 60th birthdays together, when suddenly a genie appeared and said in honor of thier long and happy life together, she would grant each of them one wish. The wife said she had always wanted to travel,the genie said ZAP! and the wife had airline tickets in one hand and spending money in the other! The husband whispered to the genie that he would like a wife 30 years younger than himself and ZAP!,,,he was 90 years old.
|Posted on Tuesday, May 02, 2000 - 10:56 am: |
Sometimes the writing on old tombstones can be interesting. I saw this on an old,old stone in Arkansas,,,,"Pause stranger, when you pass by,,, for where you are, so once was I. And where I am, soon you must be,,,so prepare for death,,,and follow me" Someone had penciled in later "To follow you,I'm not content,,,until I know which way you went"
|R.D. Hood (Dave)|
|Posted on Monday, May 01, 2000 - 1:32 am: |
> >Carjacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car.
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem ,her key wouldn't fit the ignition.
Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further down.She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman......no charges were filed!
|Posted on Monday, May 01, 2000 - 1:16 am: |
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
|Posted on Monday, May 01, 2000 - 1:14 am: |
Subject: FW: Farmer Joe
> Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough
> to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In
> court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
> "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the
> Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just
> loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...
> "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
> the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
> Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
> driving down the road..."
> The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
> the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
> Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
> accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
> Please tell him to simply answer the question."
> By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
> said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
> Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
> loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
> this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
> right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
> the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
> shape just by her groans.
> Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
> hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
> at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
> Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are YOU feeling ?"
|Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2000 - 7:25 pm: |
Based on a true account.."Attention US Navy battleship this is The Nova Scotia Coast Guard turn right 90 degrees to avoid a collision!"
"This is the Captain of a U.S. destroyer....we are
fully armed...you turn right 90 degrees to avoid a collision or I will give the command to blow you out of the water." "This is the United States
Navy and we will not be delayed"...Do you hear and
understand me Nova Scotia Coast Guard?"
"Yes Sir Captain".... we are a light house.......
|Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2000 - 7:09 pm: |
"Flight 437", the control tower advised, " turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger" the pilot replied, but we're at 24,000 feet, how much noise can we prevent up here?"
"Sir" the man in the tower replied, "have you ever
heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
|Jim Flynt (Jim)|
|Posted on Sunday, April 30, 2000 - 5:19 pm: |
I am offering a new corner for sharing some of the good clean humor that we as adjusters sometimes hear and share in our travels. Please keep it clean. I hope this adds a little levity to the Forum to mix with what have recently been posts of more gravity.
4 expectant fathers were anxiously waiting together outside of the maternity delivery room when the Doctor came out and told one of them, "Congrtaulations, your wife just delivered healthy twins."
That man said: "Isn't that ironical, I work for the Minnesota Twins?"
A little while later another Doctor came out and told the 2nd fellow, "Congratulations, your wife just delivered healthy triplets."
The 2nd fellow said, "that is ironic as well, because I work for the 3M Company."
Later a Doctor came out to announce to the 3rd expectant father: "Congratulations, your wife just delivered quadruplets."
The 3rd father said: "Now that is ironic, because I work at the 4 Seasons Hotel.
Immediately, the 4th expectant father passed out. When the Doctor was able to revive him he asked what was wrong. This man said: "Oh my goodness, I work for 7 UP."